So I have been trying to process my session from last week into words. While I am confident in my abilities at work, the human being I am, and generally know that I am pretty cool person, I have never been able to see my beauty. I have battled weight issues my whole life and I certainly held the belief that my weight prevents me from being attractive. This belief affected my ability to date and trust relationships, always believing that somehow I wasn’t good enough for anyone. Mentally I knew it wasn’t true and I controlled that lack of self-esteem by just not dating or forming relationships that way no one could reject me. Friends finally convinced me to join an internet dating site which was so hard because I was allowing people to easily reject me just on my appearance, but somehow God spared me from a lengthy span on the site and I met my now husband shortly after joining. He has always been supportive of me and found me beautiful at all sizes.
When I finally decided that it was time to take my weight issues seriously and have weight loss surgery he was supportive and did it with me. After losing 140 pounds, I still struggle seeing my beauty. I have become to realize that it was never the weight, but me. I still look at photos and find the immediate flaws. The fact I even made a decision to have a boudoir session is credit solely to Holly and this site. My husband was shocked that it was something I would even consider but immediately gave me the go ahead when I decided to do it. Going into my session, I told Holly she would have to guide me as I didn’t even have the beginnings of an idea of how to make myself be sexy. I had no “favorite” items or visions of what I should do for my session. Even during the session, I tried to have (and did have) fun, but I was still like a deer in the headlights having an outer body experience. Holly expertly guided me and made me feel at ease. I was never uncomfortable or embarrassed, but I was quick to remind her to avoid shots of my double knees! Looking at my photos, I was shocked when I didn’t veto every photo as I figured I would do. While there were some shots that I was surprised when she made me keep them in the group (butt shots!), for the most part all I saw my beauty in them, for the first time ever. I don’t know that I outwardly displayed my surprise and I still left my session subdued about it all, but some healing went down that session. When I get my album, there will be more healing I am sure.
Being vulnerable to this experience makes an impact and helps to break down the walls you build up around yourself. I am thankful that I opened myself up to it. It was good for me to take a day for myself. As a mom of 4, spending money on myself certainly makes me feel selfish, especially something that is a want and not a need, but for me, this session was a need. I needed to see me for me, reclaim my beauty, and recognize I am worthy. Thanks Holly and team for a great day.